I made a discovery this morning. I woke up, just as I have every other morning, not realizing that I was about the embark on a huge piece of information that would change the way I interact with my world.
There are men everywhere!
Seriously! Where have they been all of this time? Or perhaps more accurately, where have I been all of this time?
Some magical switch has been turned on in me and the penises are illuminated. They are lovely! They are enchanting! They are pretty darn cute, but more importantly, they exist! Coming from someone who has been in a very very long man drought (or boycott) this is very exciting news.
What I find even more exciting is that they are all vastly different. I know as women, we sometimes like to make the lame excuse that all men are the same. “All he cares about is sports, beer and sex.” “He doesn’t like to do the things that I like to do.” “I kind of felt like he just needed something to rub his dick on.” (this one is a quote by yours truly)
I would like to expound a rebuttal to this nasty stereotype by making a fine presentation of the men that I have been delighted to share time with.
The Turk- We have heard much of the Turk for he is the one inspiring my body to sing “you make me feel like a natural woman.” Half the time he is in a mellow mood, observing. On the other side of the coin, across the table at a meal, he launches into a refreshing and fascinating world view. And don’t forget the verbal sweet treats that spew from his lips. Words so nice, my skepticism thinks twice.
The Free Spirit- First date, an hour and a half late. Since we are in Venice, he takes the golden opportunity to make a pit stop at one of our many fine medical dispensaries and drops $200 on herbage. Okay big baller! He is an everything upfront kind of guy…..older…..has known a lot of women. First toast of the date, he steals a kiss. The baller is ballsy. On the way to drop me off he launches into the “so what are you looking for?” exchange. We talk openly about the idealism of monogamy, human jealousy and being open to receiving love in various forms from various sources. He gets out and opens the door for me. I have my first mini make-out on the stoop of my apartment building. Thanks for letting me beat you at darts……..good talk.
The Money Man- What is more fun than taking a morning stroll down the homeless laden boardwalk in Venice? Doing so with a dapper man on your arm. See what kind of attention you get when you get escorted by a tall man in a pin-striped suit and bow tie! Pretty sweet people!
The Single Dad- Even a black-hearted woman would crack when presented with a blond haired, blue eyed man raising his blond haired, blue eyed four year-old daughter. Tenderness that pure melts emotional tar. Why do the good guys always get fucked over ladies?
The Photog- Six in the morning, sitting, yawning, dozing off at the airport. Coffee can’t start the morning off the way a boisterous man, pulling an all-nighter, talking on his cell phone about fetishes can. Oh yes, I listened to the entire conversation, and then engaged him once his mistress on the other end was dismissed. This big man was loud, lewd and had a “fuck it, it’s only sex” attitude. He digs women and is not afraid to talk about eating pussy while sitting next to old people and mid-westerners. He gave me his card. He is a photographer. He was in town on a shoot and a wild ride. I found him fun and fascinating, especially because he cleverly incorporated symbols of cock and balls and boobies into his business cards. He also spelled boudoir wrong. Next time he is in town, he offered to do a photo shoot with me. He can be reached at email@example.com. You’re welcome!
The Military Man- Sexy full sleeve tattoos on both arms and as wet behind the ears as you could imagine. His shameless honesty about his inexperience is unexpected, disarming. He is the guy who boasts about his wins without coming off conceited. He is just genuinely happy for himself. He is that dude that can talk about taking apart cars, and flying planes for hours. He is from the south, but out in California most of his friends right now are lesbians. I am invited over for barbecue and beers anytime.
Okay, so the fine print truth of the matter is yes! men do forfeit the usage of their brain when they are knee deep in an erection. Hence my mother’s terrifying words of warning when I was only 12 years old, “boys think with the wrong head!” But I must also admit that we women can be huge ass-holes when it comes to judging men! When in use, a man’s brain can be quite intriguing. He also has a huge and loving heart, if he chooses to accept that. I happily report that my bitchy, scared, veil of a guard is falling to the floor. I don’t plan on picking it up and reattaching it anytime soon. This is too fun. My appreciation of men trumps my indignation of them.
Proclamation #3: I choose to see the yummy qualities in men and eat them up.
With all of that being said, allow me to contradict myself……..