, , , ,

I thought I was on a roll. I thought I was unstoppable. My Four Man Plan was filling up nicely. I had fun little stories for my cheeky blog. Then I left town.

My Los Angeles liaisons were on the other side of the country and my thoughts of them were even farther away.  Uh oh………….all of the sudden the sweet little “i miss u” text messages were met with eye rolls and apathy. Shit!

I honestly did not really think of any of these men while I was away. When I shared this fact with my roomie Marina, she replied, “Oh that is good!” It is? “Yeah!” she went on. “You don’t want to get all caught up in thinking about someone every second of the day.” I don’t?

(Now granted this comes from a woman who is currently in an arranged marriage with Fox Sports. If all of her thoughts don’t revolve around Sunday’s NFL game, she’s fucked……not in the good way.)

The fact of the matter is, I do! I do want to like/love/cherish someone enough that they consume my thoughts. I want their presence to linger. I want that giddy excitement when my phone dings. I desire that puke-induced feeling of my heart free falling into my gut when the text is actually from them. Oh to have those disgustingly sweet nights of tossing and turning because they forgot to turn off the lights in my body and brain when they left. For this task, no ordinary man will do.

So what do I do? I have been pondering this predicament. I assume that 4 Man Planning Goddess Cindy Lu would suggest two solutions. 1) Shut up and keep going. Silly woman, stop sabotaging a good thing. Give it time. Let it grow. 2) Keep collecting those quarter men. There are billions upon billions of men in the world. Go find what you fancy.

This thought also wandered in……….what if it has nothing to do with the men? What if my bloody ovaries are to blame? As an independent, free-thinking female I tend to assume that I have control over my experience at all times. Not so! We women seem to contract some form of temporary amnesia. We waylay the notion that our bodies and beings are hijacked on a regular basis by hormones. And yes this can be very nice when our testosterone and estrogen are on the rise and our lovely little libido kicks in. With sex drive on sizzle, of course I’ll go out with you Mr. Man! Oh, and you are going to be an hour and a half late? That’s okay, kiss my neck just like that and I’ll probably overlook your inconsideration in a few.

But what about this time of the month? (as opposed to that time of the month). When testosterone and estrogen kick the bucket and progesterone climbs the ladder? This week three of our cycle is often characterized by the beginning of irritability and weepiness followed by a sluggish calm. Sex drive takes a nose dive and orgasm is more difficult to achieve. Get out of my sweatpants and meet you out on the town? No thanks.

Could this be the illuminating piece of data in my science experiment of man? The lab says it is at least worth a gander. I will press on and continue testing this hypothesis, because that is what good little pleasure researchers do. But all the while, I can’t help but hope for that one special little lab rat that I just can’t help but free from its cage and take home with me. This special little lab rat will make me want to take my work home. He will want to cuddle up on the couch with sweatpants on because he is happy to be with me and free from the cage of my testing.